Thanksgiving approaches and I am depressed. Also relieved. But mostly depressed.
For the first time in 21 years, I face a Thanksgiving without at least one son. Son #1 is staying in Oregon to focus on his senior thesis. (This is not my fault; I did not give him this work ethic.) Son #2 is in, of all places, Sri Lanka. (Can I just say, this is not normal; we are not the sort of family who holiday in Sri Lanka; I, for one, have never been to Sri Lanka or anywhere in the vicinity of Sri Lanka.)
So I face this child-free Thanksgiving and I am depressed. I'm astonished how depressed I am.
And here's where the relief comes in. I've wondered-- fairly frequently in the last few years-- if I lack some essential Mom Gene, if I'm deficient in fundamental maternal, uh, stuff. Because many of my friends and acquaintances have kids about the same age as mine, which means many of my friends and acquaintances are sending off their youngest child to college or university, which means many of my friends and acquaintances have been slogging around in various stages of grief as they confront the absence of young Taylor or Tyler or Madison or Morgan. And I nod, and hold hands, and say, "Oh, I know," --but I don't. I don't. Hugh went off to boarding school last year, and with Owen off in Oregon, that left us with an empty nest, and well, frankly, in our childless house, Keith and I look at each other and go, "Cool!"
Except now it's Thanksgiving, almost, and my boys aren't here and damn. Damndamndamndamn. I am sad. I miss my guys. And suddenly I realize this is it, they won't be here much any more, hardly ever really, and the ache in my gut and heart really really hurts. Which is kind of a relief. It's good to know I'm not some sort of deficient Un-Mom.
Except it hurts. It really really hurts.
Damn. I need someone to nod and hold my hand and say, "Oh, I know."
Shit. I need my boys.
I don't think we parents realize how much our holiday celebrations are all about our children until they grow up and one day don't show up. And, yes, that is depressing. In my family we've adapted by ignoring the calendar and moving our celebration to whatever day the most kids and grandkids can get together. This year we'll have Thanksgiving on Saturday. I'll try to remember to have some thankful thoughts tomorrow, though, just so the national gratitude vibe won't be knocked out of balance.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! I'm sorry to be so late in responding--down with flu-y stuff--I like the ignoring the calendar idea. I think I'm going to try to move beyond the "This is what we do" mentality and instead try to approach each holiday in the frame of "So, what are we doing THIS year". Shelve the traditions, move outside of expectations, just try to enjoy what shows up. So easy to type. So hard to do. . .
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