Hoping for the worst

Is it a Bad Thing that I frequently hope that our strictly indoor cat will succeed in her never-ending quest to go outside, and then get eaten or run over?

Let me just note that I did have an indoor kitty who got outside--and got disembowelled by a stray dog. I still mourn her. There will always be a Spencer-shaped hole in my heart.

So I do know just how utterly horrifying the experience of a violent kitty death can be. And honestly, I actually like, even love my cats. Mind you, I'm not a Cat-Lover, not one of those people who decorate their homes with cat-themed items and think nothing of spending $10,000s on cat surgery and end up with 25 feline companions and no human friends. But I do enjoy having a cat or two around.

We have two. One is fine.

Then there is Smudge. Smudge is neurotic as hell. So am I. That's not the problem.

Technically, Smudge is Hugh's cat, tho' she lives in mortal fear of him and he finds her largely irrelevant to his now totally electronic life. It isn't really Hugh's fault that Smudge is terrified of him; she's terrified of everyone, except, usually tho' not always, me. If Smudge loves or trusts any human being, it's me.

And actually, I think she's lovely and I get a big kick out of the way she squeaks like some sort of land dolphin and I enjoy her company. But it would be a relief if she ran outside and got hit by a car. I don't want her in pain, mind you. A colossal accident is all I ask. Instant death.

Smudge, you see, pees on the furniture. On the sofas, on the beds, on the chairs, on the carpets. Unfortunately, I hadn't quite cottoned on to the peeing problem when I had her declawed as a kitten and therefore made her into an indoor cat. Nor is there much of a chance of finding a loving home for an indoor kitty with a pissing problem.

I've spent many many hours researching what to do about an incontinent kitty. And I've tried every single solution and suggestion. None of them--trust me on this--none of them work. (One of my all-time faves: "Cover your furniture with strips of aluminum foil. Cats hate it." Uh huh. Smudge treated it as a really fun new kind of kitty litter.)

Because of Smudge, one of my closest, most intimate relationships is with my Carpet/Upholstery Cleaner Guy. Cleaner Guy does his best. Nevertheless, sit on my sofas and soon--really soon if it's hot and humid, which is, oh, about 90% of the time here in south Louisiana--an unmistakeable odor will come wafting over.

I'm not "house-proud." I'd just prefer not to be engulfed in clouds of cat piss. Yet I can't just toss out an animal like an old pair of Dockers.

But if you happen to be driving by. . . and, well, it looks like there might be a kitty in the road, oh really, it's not, go ahead, accelerate. . . .